Wednesday, March 2, 2011

honest thoughts

I would like to be here right now, rocking my fears away...


looking at this view....


Lately, the fears of motherhood have swept over me.  The numbness of this pregnancy has disappeared. I was going with the motions...doctor appointments, ultrasounds, registering, nursery decor, etc.  Now I find myself thinking of the future and the reality that is ahead. 

I like my quiet and clean house. 
I like my morning routine in bed with my dog.
  I love that the hubs and I can just get up and go get a  Friendly's peanut butter cup sundae at any given time. 
I like my leisurely trips to Target just to "window shop" (or maybe spend $100 on nothing).
I love my long and hot showers where I come out with my body red and burnt. 

I could go on and on. I know, I sound selfish, but these are specific moments that I am soaking up lately.  I am trying to enjoy those moments without crying, as if I am in grief but I can't help it.  I blame it on the hormones.

So I take these anxious thoughts and pray....and pray some more. Then I picture myself in that rocker staring at the sailboats with not a care in the world. I know I will get over this but these are my honest thoughts at this moment right now

Now, off to take that burning hot shower until my skin peels off.

11 comments:

Amy said...

Don't worry, I think everybody goes through that before they have their first baby. You mourn everything that you're giving up. And it's true - life will never be the same again. But believe me, in a few months you'll start wondering how you ever enjoyed life withOUT your child. It's hard, but it enhances your life so much. Anyway, I just had my second child last week and I was/am going through a lot of the same feelings again. It's amazing how much more independent a two year old is than a newborn and how restricted you can feel all over again in the early days. Just remember you're not alone!

sanityseeker said...

i think it is great that you are honestly looking at your losses. it is mature and will prepare you better for motherhood. you will know you took the time to appreciate those great freedoms of married/single life!
with each new change in life, or each addition, i think that it is good to look at the things we've lost. let those tears flow! and savor that burnt skin! hahaha

LaurenCampbell said...

I went through this, too, while I was pregnant with my first. Then, after she was born, I "mourned" my old life for a while afterward. Redefining oneself and finding a new "normal" when becoming a mommy is hard at the beginning. But it's all worth it!

Christeen said...

Hello. What an amazing view of the sail boats and water you have!! Breathtaking!! I think its very normally to have all those thoughts! My husband and I took this amazing birth journey class a month before our due date with our first baby girl. It was Amazing!! It connected us in so many was. Really helped us feel comfortable of this amazing change that was going to happen!! I am not sure if there is anything like that out your way. You could message this incredible women she is a doula Patti Ramos !! She may be able to let you know if there is. She has a website too. I also had thoughts I really am not sure if I can nurse my baby. Just as all your thoughts you have during this time. Again I took a class after it I thought I am going to give it a try. Well baby girl came and what an incredible day it was!! So in LOVE! Nursing for us was an beautiful connection !Having her in our arms was so beautiful !! Now could never imagine life with out her . We still did and do all the things we use to!! Travel to Mexico and Hawaii. Enjoy concerts in the park all those wonderful things we still do. Life has been even more beautiful with her in it with us!! We now look back and think how so blessed we are!! Also think to ourselves wow life before her was lovely but with her is incredible!! Four years later have been blessed with another baby girl . Had thoughts how can I love another baby as much as I did my first . Again another beautiful day it was when we held her for first time! So in Love with our babies! Your children are very adaptable to what schedule, things you do travels ,weird work hours ect.. I think I could write a book. lol! Us as Mommies and Dads make our adjustments too. Such as less sleep ect. You become adjusted to those changes and no its not forever just when there babies.(: Wishing you the very best during the rest of of your pregnancy !

Alexi - Yellow on the Hill said...

That was so honest, thank you for sharing. Em, cherish these moments but know that you could still have a day like that. Think about that baby in your arms, as you rock her/him to sleep...that will be even more precious then rocking by yourself.

I am so happy & proud to be your friend. You are going to be an amazing mother and if I can help you in any way...I'll be there. Love you!

Jane said...

Ah yes. Savor and mourn these moments. But, I think you will be surprised at how much you will still be able to enjoy many of those things (Matt still runs out to Friendly's for my sundaes, three kids later!). And you are about to enter a new kind of joy, the joy that comes from sacrifice and there is nothing like that in the world.
PS- I saw those pictures and couldn't help thinking that this summer you will be rocking a baby on that porch and sharing new memories- so exciting!)

William Buckman said...

You enjoy that view and those chairs, because Mom and I introduced you kids to that view. This summer you introduce your child as Jane has hers. It's hard for me now to separate Maine from the experience of family. The joy I get in those views and those chairs is bound up in the sharing. Change is hard, but also very rewarding!

Steve and Amy Lou said...

Emily,

I can totally relate to those feelings (and I still have them, somedays...). It is great that you are honest in addressing them. Like many have said, once you have your child, it will be hard to imagine what life is like without him/her. And although there are many hard moments, the joys outweigh them all. Wishing you peace as you enjoy the now and look forward to the not yet...

Steve and Amy Lou said...

Emily,

I can totally relate to those feelings (and I still have them, somedays...). It is great that you are honest in addressing them. Like many have said, once you have your child, it will be hard to imagine what life is like without him/her. And although there are many hard moments, the joys outweigh them all. Wishing you peace as you enjoy the now and look forward to the not yet...

Nadia Cristina said...

Good for you, for actually being honest with yourself! Motherhood is awesome, don't get me wrong, but there are days when I do covet my quiet time and an organized HOUSE! It's taken me 6 minutes to get this far in what I'm trying to write due to interruptions! =)Motherhood is often painted with a romanticized brush by women who are having the same feelings but are just to scared to voice them in fear of being judged and criticized. (Think Emperor's New Clothes...)
Being a mom is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it has given me immense joy. It became that much sweeter when I recognized the realities that it entails. Hang in there! You'll do just fine!
xo

Becky said...

I like my quiet and clean house.
If your house is quiet and clean, you will appreciate it more since you worked harder to get it like that!
I like my morning routine in bed with my dog.
You will love your morning routine when you have your child in bed and husband and dog and all just hanging out and marveling at your family!
I love that the hubs and I can just get up and go get a Friendly's peanut butter cup sundae at any given time.
You will love it when the hubs will take your child to go get you a peanut butter cups sundae and you can take your hot shower!
I like my leisurely trips to Target just to "window shop" (or maybe spend $100 on nothing).
You will now have an excuse to spend the $100 on diapers and cute baby things!
I love my long and hot showers where I come out with my body red and burnt.
You will love them more because you will have to work harder to get them, but they are worth the effort!!!

Yes, life changes, but it only becomes richer and fuller! You may think you are going to loose so much, but you gain so much more, that you can't understand until your baby is here!

Enjoy today!